Tag: dreams;

The thing they don’t tell you about “Change”

I am a self confessed self help junkie. I live for Super Soul Sunday and Brene Brown and Liz Gilbert, et al. I want to improve, change, be different, grow, etc.

I DO NOT LIKE CHANGE. I fight it, hate it, avoid it. Guess where growth comes from? *eye roll* I know this because everyone knows this. Everyone knows that to be in a different place you have to do different things. “Take the leap of faith…” and the second statement always goes something like this:

“It may take some adjustment…”

“Things may be challenging at first but…”

“You will face difficulties but..”

And eventually your change will lead you to the new life you want. Blah, blah, blah.

THIS IS WHAT THEY NEVER SAY. Even an awesome change can be HARD AND MISERABLE at first. Maybe I am an isolated case of weirdness. Maybe I’m just extra resistant to things changing. The reason why I am even bringing this up is because yesterday was a year since I left my old job and consequently started my current job a few days later.

I wrote about this a bit before, but to tell you the truth I sugarcoated it a bit. I was FUCKING MISERABLE at my old job. It was thankless, you worked your ass off and it was hardly appreciated, we were on production and it was like a factory job in an office setting. Only your mistakes were pointed out to you. They never gave you the vacation you wanted without a fight, them trying to take away my vacation was literally what led me to my current job. (Thanks guys!) HOWEVER, my supervisor and friends there were always a bright side. It was the company culture and management that made it terrible.

The only reason why I mention all that is to emphasize how miserable I was in that job. 

So, I get my new job. The hours are better, days off are better, environment is better, vacation approval is so easy I could cry, I don’t even have to CALL to call in sick, I am treated like an adult and trusted to be there and do my job without every minute of my day being watched and calculated. HEAVEN RIGHT? Nope, not at first.

I had been at my old job for 8 years. And even though I hated it and was absolutely miserable, it was what I was used to. I knew what I had to do, what my drive was like, I knew it. So I threw myself into something I didn’t know and went into an emotional tailspin. Even though it was 1000% better. And this is what the books never tell you. Even if you leave something bad, for something totally better just being IN SOMETHING NEW is enough to make you feel lost and yearning for comfort.

Those first few months, I just wanted the safety of my old terrible job. I was a boss at my old job, now I was a novice. I knew exactly what was expected of me, now I was lost. I went from banking to NPR Radio….I WAS SCARED. Terrified that I had made a horrible mistake and threw my life upside down.

CHANGE IS FUCKING HARD, EVEN AFTER YOU MAKE IT.

Having said that however, you still need to do it, BECAUSE IT IS WORTH IT. Just don’t be fooled into believing that the leap is the only hard part. The leap is just the beginning to your new trials. I wish I had known that, because when things felt SO HARD in the beginning my mind processed that as, “YOU made a terrible mistake!!!!!” Not, “This is hard now but one day it will get better…it may take months but it will get better”

I was so close so many days, in the beginning, to asking for my old job back. I’d cry all the time because it was just so new and scary. But I kept with it and now I realize going back would have been the “terrible mistake”.

It’s funny, because now a year later I am on the cusp of yet another massive change.  One that will undoubtedly throw my life upside down again for awhile. I’m, once again, scared out of my mind. But just like my current job, I know this is something I have to do for the greater good of myself. I know this will push me to grow and hopefully flourish. It’s yet another case of me entering a situation that’s probably better for me, but just brand new. (And no, I’m not changing jobs again…)

When you make a change, give it time to level out in your life. Give it time to really settle and give yourself time to adjust. If things are rough are first DO NOT take that as a sign that you made a mistake. Take that as a sign that you just did something massively different and the universe is realigning to make it fit into your world.

Please reference me to this post when I have terrified in a few months…

RunDisney Tinker Bell 10k

RunDisney Tinker Bell 10k

Prior to the Tink 10k I’d done 2 other RunDisney races. The 2016 Disneyland 5k was my first and the Star Wars lightside 5k was my second. This was my first time attempting the 10k distance.

When I was signing up for the race and realized it was the day before mothers day, that made me pick the 10k vs the 5k. I thought, “I can do it for my Mom!” It sounded like a lovely sentiment and since you register so far in advance I thought I’d have plenty of time to prepare. Right?

Then I had the bright idea to change my job and change my entire schedule. Long story short, I was NOT fully prepared when the day crept up on me. I had started training some but then I got sick the week before and didn’t work out once. . This made me a little nervous.

Friday May 12th I had to go pickup my bib from the Health and Fitness expo at the Disneyland hotel. I’d never picked up my stuff on a Friday and I’ll probably never do it again, there was WAY more traffic then Thursday. It took us forever to get into the Expo and once again I didn’t get to look around much. :/ That seems to always happen!

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Cool castle photo op with my bib
I got my bib and then I hit the official merch spot. It wasn’t nearly has crowded as it had been for the Star Wars half weekend. I went a little merch crazy because HELLO I was gonna run my first 10k! (That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it.

Aside from the stuff below I also got ANOTHER shirt that said, “I did it!”, a magnet that said the same and a cute bandana that is M.I.A. at the moment.

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Official race shirt and cute Tink shirt

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I heard someone complaining that they didn’t like the lost boy theme for the 10k but I did. I thought it was perfectly fitting actually, I feel like a lost girl sometimes. Last minute I had ordered a shirt from an Etsy/instagram seller to run in. I love it!

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We had dinner at Tortilla Joe’s, the wait wasn’t too bad for being Friday. They quoted us an hour but it was only 45min. And it got our parking validated. While we were waiting I went to Wonderground Gallery and bought the new HerUniverse tank. I missed the Ashley’s by like 20min! I also bot a postcard by another artist.

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Wonderground Gallery purchases

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Dinner at Tortilla Joe’s in Downtown Disney

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This dog looks like Reggie IMO

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Reggie is ready for his race
We got back late and I went to bed even later. Come 3:45am I did not want to get out of bed! If i hadn’t bought all that merch I might not have, lol.

We got there, I got to my corral and off I went. I have to say that the first two miles were the WORST. Because I was having a mild freak out attack that I had to do 6. I literally had to refocus on WHY I was even doing this…my mom. I thought about my mom and my sister and listened to my music and it carried me through the race. I didn’t fly through it but I was at least a minute under the minimum pace. Hey, not bad for someone that was coughing her brains out even days earlier!

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Before my corral went

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Matterhorn at sunrise

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Paradise Pier at sunrise

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Note the difference in my face lol

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This person in the yellow is chill and I’m ready to pass out, lol

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Victory!
Crossing that finish line was TRUE accomplishment. I also thought of my mom and it made me super emotional, I almost started crying when they gave me my medal. I had made it through, somehow. I couldn’t have done it without Adam’s love and support. Who else would get up for me at 3:45am on a Saturday?!

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Overall it was a wonderful experience. But I swear next time I’m going to train more. I’m supposed to do the Disneyland 5k AND 10k in September. Please don’t ask me what I was thinking when I signed up…I was reading this motivational book and…things just… happened.

“Every heartbreak makes it hard to keep the faith”

Elizabeth Gilbert describes them as “art scars”. Emotional scars that you got at some point while you were trying to express your creativity. It goes deeper then that for me.

I have loved singing since before I could remember. I did it non-stop as a child. I was born with a clef palate, when they were repairing something happened and low and behold I ended up with a speech impediment.  It shaped who I am as a person and how I express and see myself.

So yeah, despite this, I have always loved singing. But then I became a teenager and I stopped. I had a lot of bullies growing up and in 7th grade I realized that if I was QUIET and INVINCIBLE I was SAFE.

People can’t make fun of your voice if they can’t hear you talk.
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So into the shell I went and I’ve been suffocating ever since. I held fast to every negative criticism I had ever received about my voice (and self in general). I told myself over and over again that I was not supposed to sing, i wasn’t even supposed to want to. Funny how your heart and brain just refuse to agree sometimes.

I don’t like driving (ask my bf. that is an understatement) but the ONE THING I always loved about driving was that I got to be ALONE in my car and SING MY ASS OFF.  It was my safe haven, literally the only place I would allow myself to sing.

Then my mom and sister passed away…

Do you sense a theme here?

Yes, their deaths were a HUGE catalyst to the person I am and becoming currently. Nothing wakes your ass up like watching 2 people you love leave this earth. Nothing makes you realize, “Hey….I don’t have all the time in the world..” like that.

It still took me two years to go to a vocal class. I literally agonized over it every week for 2 years, trying to convince myself that it was an utterly insane and stupid thing to do. WHY THE HELL WOULD I DO THAT?! I sing in my car, not in front of other human beings. I used to as a bitty kid but not anymore.

Nag, nag, nag the thought went. I went on Yelp and found a school that was on my way home from work. I read the description by the head of the school, it just spoke to me. That made me want to go there, but, she (Olivia) intimidated me because she had been an American Idol finalist...so I didn’t choose her as my instructor.

My first class was terrifying, I barely made any noise. I got slightly comfy with teacher #1 and then. she left. So a new instructor was given to me, a guy, he was really cool and I was more comfy with him…then he left. Then came the 3rd one, I really liked her a lot and felt myself somewhat progressing…I’ll give you one guess what happened…SHE LEFT.

So about now my brain is telling, “Um, Malinda, yeah…maybe you need to stop this madness. 3 instructors have left and now you’re going for #4.” I had literally just paid for another month of classes when instructor #3 left me, so I had to at least finish out the classes.

They put with me Olivia. I was SO scared and intimidated to have her teach me. The universe makes shit happen for a reason though guys. Because I have progressed more in 4 lessons with Olivia then I did with the months and months and months of all the other instructors. She’s amazing and her energy just meshes with mine. What if I had stopped going when instructor #3 quit?!

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(On a good day I can remember this..)

It’s still been pulling teeth for Olivia to get me to sing. I was never able to really go “all the way” and sing like I sing in the car with any of the others. And when I’d say, “I can do it better by myself” I always felt like they were thinking, “Surrreee..”

But TODAY I WAS ABLE TO SING. I got it out, I did it like I do it in the car. Her and I were both so excited. I fight a mental battle against the past when it comes to this and it makes me unable to express myself. Or it tries, now I am actively attempting to combat that.

SAFETY does not make me HAPPY. SAFETY makes me MISERABLE. 

I should get that tattooed on me.

I’m just so proud of myself at the moment. 🙂

BTW the song I’m working on currently is “Million Reasons” by Lady Gaga, hence the title.

How did I get here?

This morning we had a meeting, actually, it wasn’t a meeting, it was a job interview. The head of my department is leaving and they are having potential applicants meet with the ENTIRE department, at once. Think a long conference table full of people…asking them questions. Talk about pressure. And then it hit me again, as it so often does, “How did I get here?!

You see just a year ago my life looked VERY different. I was at a job that made me miserable on every level. It was completely unfulfilling and thankless. I worked M, W-S. Yes, I didn’t even have 2 days off together and I woke up at 4am everyday to go to work. I was on production and all that really mattered was my output, it was slowly crushing my soul.

I am a self help book junkie. This started when I purchased my first true self help book, “A New Earth” by Eckhart Tolle that and Super Soul Sunday sent me down the self help rabbit hole. So I kept reading over and over in different books, “The energy you put into things is what you get out of it”. So I made a choice, even though I couldn’t stand my job I was going to put nothing but good energy into it. Even though it felt meaningless I was going to create meaning. I worked at a lockbox, basically the meaning I gouged out of it was that I was helping people pay their bills, I was helping them get the medical bills paid so i did the best I could possibly do, for them.

A few months into this thought shift, an opportunity came up for people to travel to another site and do work. I had been there 6 years and this chance had never been available to me. But because my quality of work and knowledge were so high, I got the chance to travel to Boston. Paid by the company. Sure I had to work but in the evening we would go out and explore. I saw where the Boston Tea party happened, I visited Salem, I saw so many sights in Boston. I believe 100% this was due to my effort in shifting the energy I put into my job.

This was actually the same year my Mother and sister died. My mom had passed away before I went to Boston, my sister passed away a month after. Even through this bleak miserable time I still made sure to always bring positive energy to work.

This never altered the fact, however, that everyday I wished I could leave. But honestly, I didn’t see how. I only had a H.S. diploma, I only had experience in customer service and lockbox…the only place I felt I could go and be paid a decent wage was another lockbox, more of the same.  I said I wouldn’t leave for another lockbox, I wouldn’t leave for a similar job.  I’d look whenever they’d upset me, but get over it and stay. Everyone constantly talked about wanting to leave, but no one left because it was safe. We got paid ok, we had health benefits, I had 4 weeks vacation (I couldn’t use…lol, thats another story). It wasn’t bad on that front… just for me personally it gave me little to no fulfillment.

Long story short, they had approved some of my vacation then tried to take it away, the WEEK BEFORE I was set to take it. I was livid, I was angry, their reasons were ridiculous. I fought back, with reason and logic, and they ended up not taking it away but I was still upset. I gave these people everything I had and they couldn’t even give me my week vacay?

So I started googling jobs, as I always had, and somehow I found the listing for my current job. It was divine intervention. I read the job description and thought, “I could do that…” even though it seemed total different from my current job. It had a lot of the same attributes. I sat on it for a week…but it just nagged at me. Something about this job felt different, it felt right.

I didn’t even have an updated resume, let alone a cover letter.  I felt SO inadequate, like there was no way in hell I could actually get this job. But I kept reading the specs, “I could do that, I could do that, I could learn that, I’m detail oriented…” I didn’t believe I’d ever hear from them. I sent in my newly cobbled resume and cover letter anyway.

Two weeks later, I got an email asking me to set up a phone interview.

Took the phone interview thought, “Omg, I blew it…there is no way they are going to call me.”

They called me in for a regular interview.

Going to that interview was one of the most TERRIFYING things I did in my life. I was terrified I would blow it. But from the moment I walked into the building, met my potential new managers, and yes, I got interviewed by my potential new coworkers…I walked out of there wanting that job more then anything else. It wasn’t the money (a substantial raise) but it was the ENERGY of the place. The employees looked happy, said they LOVED working there, they loved the organization and their jobs. Literally I felt like I had glimpsed heaven. If you understood the environment I was in at that time…you’d know why I felt that way. It was night and day.

Obviously, you know how the story ends…I got the job. The first and only job I ever applied for after being at my last workplace 8 years. Everyone around me has a degree, everyone around me has worked in the non-profit world before and then there is me. I got here because experience counts for a lot more in life then we think. I literally made lemonade out of lemons, in my eyes. No job is without its challenges and I still have other goals, but my life literally looks COMPLETELY different then it did a year ago.

My 6mo anniversary just passed. I’m honestly still getting used to the freedom and level of respect I’m given by my colleagues. I work with so many strong, opinionated, intelligent women it makes my heart sing.

I believe 1000% that my choice years ago to shift the energy I put into my work brought me to where I am now. I completely manifested this. It didn’t come from thin air… I worked my ass off at my old job and I work my ass off now. Even though I sorta didn’t believe that there was no way I’d get this job, I tried anyway and put my best foot forward.

I would love to tell you I am always positive, but that’s not the case. In other areas in my life I am VERY MUCH a work in progress. But this is something I am really proud of. And I hope anyone that is in a job that is less then fulfilling can get some hope, things can change if you want them to. Start by changing the energy you put into the work, who knows where it will take you.

Dreaming of you

Dreaming of you

Last night after our Cinco de Mayo dinner my boyfriend and I were channel surfing and happened across Selena. As a young Mexican girl that movie and Selena were instant cult worship-worthy. My parents used to watch Don Francisco (even though my dad doesn’t speak spanish…..) and they were way into Selena before she was cool. (I’m joking there, but they did like her way before she blew up.)

I have been sick was a supposed “viral throat infection” since Tuesday. I say supposed because I think the doc diagnosed me wrong. I wake up every morning super congested and feeling like doodoo. This morning was no exception. So I woke up around 9am and was able to fall back asleep around 10am. Then I had a dream with my sister Mercy.

In 2014 my mom and sister passed away within 6 months of each other. My mother passed away in March a week before her birthday, my sister passed away in October the day after my own birthday. This fact shapes a lot of who I am, and my current “journey”. It also is a source a depression, sadness (and still) upheaval in my life. You’re going to hear about them a lot. I’m much better then I was, but I’m still not “ok”. I may never be “ok”.

I have 3 older sisters but my sister Mercy (yes that’s her real name) was closest to me in age and by far the only true best friend I have ever had. (I’m the youngest in the family)  My sister was 38 when she passed away, she was born with a congenital heart defect and had many open heart surgeries. The doctors said she’d live 6 months so…I guess 38 years is damn good.

See that is what I’m supposed to say. “We were lucky to have her as long as we did.” “I’m lucky I even got to know her” “She’s at peace now and now sick” All true, but fuck that shit man…I lost my BEST FRIEND. Just writing that has me crying my eyes out. This shit isn’t a Hallmark card. My advice when dealing with people that have lost someone is to say “I am here for you, to listen to you”, “I love you”. DON’T give me the above statements. Hell maybe it’s just me…maybe I’m the only one that can’t stomach the “They’re in a better place” shit. Mind you, I BELIEVE THAT, wholeheartedly, but it doesn’t change the fact that I want my sister HERE with me, living my life with me. I want to text her and call her and send her funny meme’s. I want to talk about Total Divas with her and tell her all I’ve done and been up to. AND I CAN’T. I can, I talk to air, but she can’t respond to me.

Wow, I really derailed this post. But all of this is actually related. Sorry, I literally don’t tell anyone else the stuff above besides my boyfriend. Because I feel like I can’t…

So yes, I had a dream with her. I don’t remember the beginning clearly. I know I was talking to her and dumping out makeup bags. I just know at one point she showed me a video and it was of us putting gas in her car. I think it was when we were still going out. In the video I’m acting silly and just generally super happy. But then she says oh I think there’s something else at the end. Then the camera flips and its my sister in NYC. She’s like at a souvenir store goofing off trying on silly hats. Then I wake up from the dream.

My sister visited a lot of places but as far as I remember NYC wasn’t one of them. My interpretation of this dream… 1. she knows I miss her. I am dead serious last night before I went to bed I thought to myself, “I haven’t had a dream with them in awhile.”. So, she came to visit. Also, with her being in NYC I think she’s trying to tell me she’s still alive exploring. Because my sister went A LOT of different places in her life. She was a free spirit…I’m trying to be like her but it’s hard.

Now we circle back to the title, “Dreaming of you” by Selena. See…it all kind of made sense.