I have no clue what I am doing…

I have no clue what I am doing…

Usually I’ll buy a t-shirt on a whim, not a domain name and blog. That’s a new one. A long time ago in another land I had a domain name and a little hosted website. It was about shopping. Done in crude HTML and pastel blue and hot pink, the site was me rating my favorite places to shop. Back then I think I had a better handle on the chaos, feeling totally lost and inept didn’t bug me. Right now I’m having a mini heart attack cause I can’t figure out how to even set up a blog.

Is that what “growing up” does to you? Makes you afraid to venture out of your comfort zone and try new things. Well, I don’t know about YOU but it sure as hell did that to me. Somewhere in my late teens I decided I couldn’t do anything anymore, and I stopped learning new things. I went  a step further and I just stopped being myself. I was in a shithole relationship but I can hardly keep blaming that. (Catch me on a bad night and I will be…)

Everyone’s life can be a beautiful glossy highly pigmented instagram post. Mine is no exception, I have these moments of beauty, clarity and joy. I also have moments of feeling like utter shit, completely lost and feeling totally incapable of “adulting”. What is the reality then? Because I choose not to post pictures of me sobbing in the corner because I’m missing my mom/sister on insta make me inauthentic? Or does the fact that I’m a staunch feminist who happens to ADORE Disney princesses and Barbie make me a bad feminist? WHY DO WE CONSTANTLY HAVE TO BE PUT IN A BOX? Goddamnit.

I’ve honestly had this internal struggle since I was a teenager. I used to be very anti-makeup. I felt makeup was FAKE and a MASK and your true beauty should always shine through and it was anti-girlpower blah blah. “Oh wait, makeup hides zits? Hold the phone….ok well, it’s not so bad..hey my eyes look awesome in eyeliner, omg AQUA eyeshadow?!” By the time I was in my 20’s and drowning in MAC I had a much different opinion on it all.

WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO BE OURSELVES. So I am a happy, depressed, fairytale loving feminist, who wants to just be herself in a world that loves to shove you in a box. Now please, I am unique cause every person is but I don’t claim to be this unconventional person either. I’m just myself, whoever the hell that is.

So I’ll just say it, some days my life will be totally insta-worthy and cool, other days I’ll be depressed af. I just want a space where I can be both. I just want a space where I can be ME. I’m still looking for my place in this world, and I’m still becoming whoever I was I was meant to be.

Hi, my name is Malinda and I have NO CLUE what I’m doing.

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